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It’s just over 2 years ago that I got back on my feet after SPD developing while pregnant with my Little Man. I was out walking again, finally going to the playground with the Littlins and had just began cycling.
…then BAMM!
A cycling accident which resulted in damaging all the soft tissues- cartilage and ligaments- in my knee. I was there helpless again, resigned to watching from the sidelines!
We were in the midst of packing due to move house 2 weeks later. Thankfully my parents came over and lent a hand. The house we were moving to needed a major overhaul and we had alreasy bought the caravans to live in while that happened. There was no going back on that. My mum “moved in”, I gritted my teeth and hobbled through project managing the process, sourcing materials, running the site.
Our plans for the next addition to out family were however put on hold…maybe indefinitely.
My knee improved, but I had to resign myself to the fact I would never dance again or run or have uninhibited play with the children. A bad move and snap went a ligament, confining me to hobbling about or sitting on the couch for a few weeks.
Then last summer bought warmth and happiness, relative mobility… as long as I kept off the dance floor. We decided to try for a baby and were successful with Sticky Bean’s conception.
Those who follow the blog will know that it’s been a rough ride- PGP/ SPD has hit quite early and has been causing a lot of pain, restricting my mobility.
I am lucky, I have a fantastically supportive husband and a helpful cousin who pops up regularly too. They help out a lot around the house and with the children.
It is on days like today, when I am alone, Oh-so-lovely-Daddy away with work for a couple of days, cousin away at university and family far away, that I struggle. I have to do everything (and by everything I actually mean the bare minimum to feed and look after us). These days stack up to make it worse each morning.
It is on these days that I am sitting feeling especially sorry for myself thinking that I will never dance again (and oh how I loved dancing!), what a crap mother I am not being able to be there for my children, to sit on the floor play with them, to go out to the playground with them. Dark thoughts circle… maybe if I wasn’t here… but I shoo these away.
There are single mums who have to cope on their own all the time, there are people with worse disabilities, with serious illnesses. I think of those who have lost loved ones recently… and my heart goes out to them.
So what if I can’t walk 100m at the moment unaided?
My world is in tact.
I AM ALIVE!
I can still hug my children, read them stories, introduce the world to them even by sitting on the sofa. I have wonderful friends who step up the moment I ask.
I have lots of reasons to be grateful! … We all do! We just need to be able to see them. To look beyond the dark clouds and see the sun shine. I may never be able to dance again, but I can certainly make my soul dance!
Hug your loved ones, take a deep breath and be happy to be alive! …I’m resolved to do just that.
…maybe one day I can dance again!… and so can you.
I’ll take baby steps and so for a lovely slow dance with Oh-so-lovely-daddy.
How about you?
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What a lovely post. I’m sorry to hear you are in so much pain with PGP, I really hope it eases. I’m sure that day you get to dance is not too far away, I hope not and have everything crossed for you Hugs xx
Thank you Susan! I trust that with positive thought I can get through this. Whether I physically can ever dance again, that might need medical intervention in the form of a knee replacement first… maybe after.
You are right you will dance again, we have to look for the small things that make everyday worthwhile
Taking into account the small things and being able to appreciate them can seem very hard. Some days almost impossible to see those sunrays peering through the cloud. Your “Light” post is a great inspirational piece to reach for on the dark and dreary days.
Great post. It’s hard to remain positive when things seem difficult, and with your hormones as well…maximum admiration *hug* x
Thank you Karen, as mums it’s our job to hold it all together. I do wish nature had omitted hormones from the equation! 🙂