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A guest post by Vivien Sabel – “In the words of Nikki Graham of Big Brother fame I hear you cry, “Who is she?” Well I’m Vivien Sabel, a mother, stepmother and at 42 a grandmother to the wonderful Z. In addition, I am a psychotherapist, clinical supervisor, researcher, writer and at present wannabe author. I have penned a mini parenting book that outlines some ground-breaking research and findings in relation to infant communication. It’s currently being edited in the hope that it will be published in the not so distant future by a major publishing house and will be sold in the millions across the globe. I know that sounds like a big ask but to be fair my book has already been tipped to be a bestseller! I am so very excited!”
What do we bring with us to our parenting? I bring myself, my mother, my father, my upbringing, my personality, my everything from both the ‘here and now’ and the ‘there and then.’ This is what we all do isn’t it?
In bringing so much I feel it’s important to recognise this, ideally before we become Parents, but if not, when we are able. I often hear my father (and his sometimes anxious and controlling ways) in my parenting with my daughter. As soon as I realise my father is in the ‘room’, I politely look up to the sky and remind myself I am not father and I do not have to be him in my parenting.
We automatically bring our own experiences of being parented to our own children. Now, this is fantastic if our parents were, or are, fantastic at parenting, but if they weren’t always the best, then this is something we may struggle with. We firstly have to recognise these patterns and if it is a repetition of parenting that wasn’t great, then we can then choose not to repeat the negative and try something more positive.
Interestingly enough, as well as hearing my father (who passed away over 2 years ago) I occasionally see my mother. My mother is deaf and for me my memories of her parenting were based around not what she said but how she looked at me or how she moved her body. The power of her non-verbal communication was (and still is) immense.
Being raised by a deaf mother and a hearing father has gifted me with so much but it has heightened my sensitivity to both verbal and non-verbal language. The power of words and indeed the power of non-verbal language are incredible.
As parents, please be aware of all that you bring and all that you say. The words and body language will remain with us for better or for worse for a very long time.
What do you catch yourself doing that you swore you would never do?
You can read more about Vivien on her blog or her website or follow her on twitter
Thank you Vivien! You raise, what I find, a scary issue: as parents, we all (well the most of us anyway) try to do out utmost best for our children. Yet, we are experimenting all along, trying to come up with our unique blend of parenting and hope that it all works out ok, that we raise happy, confident young people, prepared for life’s challenges.
As you say, we are the sum of our past and present and will pick and choose, mostly subconsciously, what we apply. We read books, ask opinions (I even started blogging to share opinions with others), yet in the heat of the moment we revert to old patterns. I certainly hear my mother’s and my father’s reactions surface. Often I am ashamed, because I wanted to do it better!
I can only hope that we do a decent job and don’t give our children too much baggage to carry with them.
Brilliant post and very true!
Love the post Vivien and you are totally right. Having studied and practiced family therapy in my work I was amazed by the number of ‘replicative scripts’ I saw in families I worked with, ie, ‘history repeating itself’. I also observed ‘corrective scripts’ where parents who themselves had experienced neglect smothered their children with love and unknowingly became overprotective and stifling.
Critically examining my own parenting style from this perspective is much more challenging of course. Ideally we would all replicate the postive aspects of our experiences and correct the negative. Do we? I know I try to. Then every now and again I am caught unawares when I hear my mother’s critical voice coming from my mouth or experience my fathers obsessive desire for his children to become well educated at all costs.
I, like most adults, love my parents and appreciate the great upbringing they gave me. I can also see where they could have done some things differently. From my own perspective, having this knowledge has helped me in my parenting choices. However, it hasn’t stopped me making mistakes every day of my children’s lives, some that they may be blogging about in 20 years time! If so, I just hope they remember that, like most parents, I tried my best!
I really did not want to read this as I totally became my worst memories of my own mother yesterday with my two year old. I was yelling, being punitive and impatient. This was all in response to a deadline I had and my frustration over not being able to complete my work. I don’t ever want to be that parent again and I will be more careful with my workload in the future.
I suppose our parents are always in the room, and we all think we can do a much better job than they did.
What kind of parenting is stifling? Is that kind of a sliding scale depending on your perspective? Some parents leave their kids alone from the start to work things out, others feel they can guide their kids along until they become adults. Both views hold merits, but neither approach applied in full would work either.
Thanks for the read and for the confession!!!
Thank you for your comments. It’s a tricky one really isn’t it? We are human and we try to do our best as parents; often times we get it right and other times we don’t. I think what makes it tough is on a daily basis through my psychotherapy practice I meet with people both young and old who feel their parents have failed them in so many ways. I am so acutely aware of the negative and positive impact we can have as parents that occasionally I feel immobilised and spend too much time over thinking instead of simply being in the moment.