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A post by Nickie got me thinking of the Role of the Modern Grandparents and how different this can be depending on circumstances.
So what does it mean being a multilingual European family living far from grandparents? How do our children experience that special bond?
Yesterday we arrived to my in-laws’ in the Netherlands in the middle of the night, transferred the sleeping children to their prepared beds and went to sleep.
The joy with which Little Miss and Little Man sprung into their grandparents’ arms in morning when they woke up was just wonderful to watch!
The grandparents are in their mid 70s, come from a traditional farming background, live in another country, only speak the local dialect, Brabants, and Dutch. Despite years of learning English they cannot really communicate in the language. This and the cultural differences have caused big differences and misunderstandings between me and them. However, I would not dream of passing any of my slight apprehension towards them onto the children. My children need them, their values and their culture, which I may not fully understand or accept, but I still value it. Ultimately it is what helped shape my husband, the man I love and value so much (…well most of the time anyway! 😉 ).
Even with the channel tunnel between them, the children and my in-laws have a loving relationship. We do our best to help our children have this special relationship with my in-laws:
Language
We teach our children Dutch. Dad on the brink only speaks Dutch to them and has done since they were born. He encourages them to speak Dutch back to him too, as do I, in an effort to support him. We knew that we needed to do this for both our mother tongues (Dutch and Hungarian) to help our children understand their roots and have solid links with their extended family.
Visits
Our holidays now-a-days are mostly spent visiting grandparents. The cost of travel means that we have to decide – a trip to visit family or a family holiday to a new location or resort. The decision is usually in the favour of visiting family, even if it can be torture at times. (For me that is…definitely not the kids.) The other cost-based decision is usually to drive- even with high fuel prices, it generally works out marginally cheaper to drive with the four of us than fly. We are getting dab hands at driving across Europe in the midst of the night.
The in-laws also put their fears of flying and leap out of their comfort zone, taking plane and coach in a foreign land to come visit us 2-3 times a year. They usually stay with us 7-10 days.
In order to make both sets of grandparents comfortable when they do come over we have a dedicated guest room. The sacrifice is that the children share a room. We thought they spend so little time in their room at this age this is not a big deal.
Virtual visits
With the leaps in technology, especially applications such as Skype, children can have daily involvement from the grandparents living far away. My in-laws got a computer and persist at getting over their technophobia in order to talk regularly with the Littlins. I respect their efforts!
Thinking back to my childhood- what a difference! We were able to speak to my grandparents in Hungary from Australia for a mere 10 minutes a week over a crackly line for fear of going bankrupt from the huge cost of the calls.
We try to make sure the children have a longer Skype call with their Dutch grandparents at least once a week.
This relationship is very different to the ones children have with grandparents living close by. In a way it is not taken for granted, but all meeting are seen as special occasions, there is huge excitement. My in-laws, despite their advancing age, slowly diminishing health and loss of stamina, still get down on the floor, muck about with the Littlins. You can see the love in the eyes from both sides. I am so happy we have chosen the sometimes more rugged path of being a multilingual family so that this relationship can blossom.
Do you have grandparents close or far? What relationship do they have with your children?
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Image credit: Skiesoverberlin
I don’t feel I have any right to criticise my in-laws actions as grandparents, when I don’t allow my kids near my own unhealthy parents but I will, as I need to say something.
What is it with grandparents, this need to spoil? My own grandmother used to stand outside her gate to pass me squares of chocolate as I walked past on my way home from school. My in-laws bought a whole load of chocolate cars for my son when he was still in nappies. They insisted he took another for the car ride home which he handed directly to me when he was in the car because even he had had enough, that was when I found out they were solid chocolate, not hollow car shapes, so I was prepared for the state of his cloth nappy later.
Lately it is spaghetti, when did tinned spaghetti become a vegetable? When my children have lunch at the in-laws they have sausage in bacon, with baked beans and chips. My daughter doesn’t like baked beans so gets tinned spaghetti. When it happened and I was there I pointed out that tinned spaghetti wasn’t a vegetable she was just given sausages and chips but, if I am not there, the spaghetti comes out again. My children actually like vegetables, my son takes the brocoli from his father’s plate, as he prefers peas. Is it not just as easy to peel & lightly boil a carrot as to open a can? I think so.
Then there is the insistence on providing sweets. My children still have the sticky lollies given to them by the in-laws in January, they are freely accessible, I don’t prevent my children from eating them, it just doesn’t occur to them to want them.
Perhaps it is a culture thing, my own grandparents lived through the war and rationing so their treating me with chocolate and sweets (which they didn’t actually do, just chocolate), would make sense. I suppose my in-laws may have been children during rationing so may have missed out on sugar in that time too, is that why they spoil mine this way?
As my comments on spaghetti have been ignored it seems my opinions don’t matter much.
It seems grandparents think they can get away with treats as they are not the ones dealing with long-term consequences! My grandparents did the same for us and the in-laws do the same for my kids too. Sweets are available with no thought to when the next meal will be and how that will impact. It’s a bribery of some sort.
I would hate it if my kids were fed tinned spaghetti! Have you thought of taking food for them when they go over?
The fight we’ve had with grandparents on both sides is about salt in food. It has taken us a good 3 years to get through to them to please reduce salt when we are around. Otherwise food is inedible for us (and extremely bad for little children). Yuck!
What a lovely story. I think you do really well in involving grandparents and they are lucky to have you as a daughter in law. There will come a time when you will be able to have holidays to new places and you will look back and know you did the right thing as your children will have lovely memories.
Oh I really hope it is worth it, as sometimes it is a real struggle with the huge differences and the language barrier. :-/
This is such a sweet story. Unfortunately I don’t have any grandparents and neither does my husband that are alive. My children only have three of their own grandparents which are alive, which is a shame. I can see there is huge cultural learning to be had and your children are gaining from that. So lovely to hear. x